No More Chances

I don't know if I should cry, laugh, or smile. My mind is so jumbled right now that my emotions aren't really cooperating with what I think I'm feeling. I finally got my AIMS math score back. I got a 738, only 12 points from exceeding! Freaking 12 points! I'm happy that I did better than last time, but sad that I got so close and didn't accomplish my goal. I didn't exceed any of my AIMS tests, but got in very close range of all of them. Out of all my scores this new math score is my lowest, which shows how close I really was. I know the test doesn't really matter anymore, I passed which roughly means I can graduate. Big flipping deal! These scores aren't going to help me get into any college so why should I care, right? I don't really know why I care so much, I guess I just get disappointed with myself. I know I'm smart, but compared to my friends I'm dumb. I don't have a solid plan for my future, I have zero idea what I want to do with my life, I'm scared to death of going to college and failing, but I'm so bored in high school that I don't even study because I see no point to. I just want everything to be explained to me! I wish I knew what to expect and learned some good study habits. I don't have a job because I don't know how to put myself out there and try. I'm so shy that I have problems communicating with people I don't already have a solid foundation with. I don't know how I got any of my friends, I was never the type of person to walk up to someone else and strike up a conversation. That's probably why I don't have a boyfriend. I'm so scared of rejection that I don't even try. I do the bare minimal needed to survive and depend on others for everything else. I have no social life because I'm too scared of getting in trouble or having some bad thing happen the first time I try something new or exciting. I don't trust people easily and I'm scared of getting my heart broken if I let the walls around me fall down. I can't talk on the phone unless it's with someone I already know, and even then I pace around while I talk and stutter through what I'm saying. I can't just stop these things, I wish I could. I want to be self confident and have faith in myself but I don't know how to start. I feel like I'll never be good enough and that I'm going to wake up in ten, twenty or thirty years alone, living with my parents, and miserable. I want to change, but I'm so scared of doing it that I just don't.

The worst part is that people are always telling me how pretty I am, how skinny I am, how smart I am, how they wish they were as sure about themselves as I am and I just have no idea what to say! What are these people seeing that I'm not? I don't see pretty when I look in the mirror, I don't feel skinny or smart, and I'm definitely not self confident. I just want to see what others see or at least understand how they can see these traits in me.

Wow, one little letter sure can put a lot of thoughts in your head. That rant is a bit much to take in, but it's what I'm feeling so I guess it needed to be said.